My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
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As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!