Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”