To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
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They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My circle of trust is a meatball
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???