Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us