Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”