[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Van Gone
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Cat.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?