Netflix: We have Less
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.