Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
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Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself