“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
fourth time’s the charm
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.