ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m going to need a moment here.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
the three branches of government
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.