Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
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Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
had to share :’)
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.