“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
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My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”