HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes