MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
You Might Also Like
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I don’t make the rules sorry
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
this is funnier than any friends episode
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Word!
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.