GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.