[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Cashiers are always checking me out
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.