You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
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My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.