Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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Not all heroes wear capes…
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Covid like
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective