[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Fiction has to make sense.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels