January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
My favorite farside!!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
You deplete me
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.