My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.