me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Breaking news:
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.