Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”