SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”