Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.