“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Phonetics
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
When someone trying to leave me
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?