BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
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I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.