The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.