You Might Also Like
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
A ghost story
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?