Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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Sooo many times…..
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?