welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real