she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.