Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
You Might Also Like
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.