[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?