Meow
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Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Tough love is true love
bad
worse
worst
worchester
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep