I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The Sun
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Ha
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.