It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
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13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Fights fire with marshmallows
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
all bases covered
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.