at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
hear me out : pockets for your socks
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Goat cheese is for herders.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point