I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.