tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
peak technology
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.