someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I feel attacked.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open