Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Every photo I’m tagged in
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.