Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
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Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.