imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.