At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
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used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.