In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd