Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
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“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars