JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
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Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.