My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
u spoke cat all this time??????
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?