Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course